As a child, allowance was the small amount of money that my parents gave me every week that provided a sense of independence as a reward for being good. This typically ends when you turn 15 or something? It ended prematurely for me because I was just the worst.
I have recently decided that I have gone far too long without an allowance. No, I’m not going to start demanding $5/week from my parents again… although… imagine the back pay!
Allowance, I have decided, is my resolution and my theme for 2015. It only took me all of January and half of February to figure this out. Here’s the gist: I have resolved to allow myself to feel whatever the fuck I am feeling, and to do whatever the fuck I feel like doing in regards to that feeling.
Perhaps I am feeling lazy today. Well, that’s allowed. In response to my lazy feeling, I feel like sitting around and watching Netflix. Well, that’s allowed too. Oh, I feel sad today. Well, that’s allowed. I feel like crying and I’m not sure why. Well, that’s allowed too. Woo! I feel hyper today. Well, that’s allowed. I feel like wearing my hair on top of my head and dancing around. Well, that’s allowed too. And so on.
An interesting thing happened when I started giving myself an allowance. Guilt vanished. By paying direct attention to my feelings and putting my needs at the forefront of my priorities, I am dealing with and moving past negative feelings very quickly, I am not stuck dwelling in things, and I am experiencing unadulterated joy as a result.
Sidebar: isn’t it interesting that the word adulterated, which means tainted or impure, has the word adult in it. Haha, get it? Because we’re a bunch of assholes!
Moving on, here are some examples that I put in a fun table for convenient comparison. Because I fucking felt like it!
|Laying around the house being lazy and unproductive made me feel so guilty and terrible that I would become exhausted. Ultimately this kept me laying around the house accomplishing nothing.||Actively deciding to skip a shower, stay in cozy pajamas, and aggressively indulge in Netflix is a joy that everyone needs to experience. After a few hours, I feel satisfied and suddenly have the urge to get up and do something. Unproductive? I suppose that depends whether you think joy is an accomplishment.|
|Oddly enough, by holding in my tears as an attempt to keep everything nice and peaceful, I would often stay in my state of sadness for days or even weeks, completely immune to anything good that may have been happening around me.||Crying loudly with gusto (and sometimes even in front of people) means that I am letting out all my sad feelings as soon as I feel them; and after a while, I don’t feel like crying anymore. Actually I end up feeling pretty amazing afterwards.|
|I can’t just dance around or sing along to this sick beat just because I feel hyper! What would people think? Sure I am uncomfortably holding in all my energy, but at least I am not making all of these strangers around me uncomfortable.||Fuck these people! I wanna dance! What’s funny is that more often than not, openly expressing good feelings by singing or dancing without shame has a very positive affect. Sometimes people smile, sometimes they join in, sometimes I start a party, and sometimes I make friends. Other times people laugh at me; but hey, everyone loves to laugh! You’re welcome! Joy is contagious.|
You may have noticed that I am cursing a lot more today than I usually do in blog form. Well, the truth is that cursing is really fucking fun. There is a time and place and all that, but today I just felt like cursing. So fuck you, I’m allowed! Have a lovely day, friends 🙂