If you’re anything like me, you refuse to pay for television. Especially since it has become so easy to stream all of your favourite shows online for free.

As an avid streamer I can tell you that there is nothing worse than a slow download. The screen stops at the peak of excitement, leaving your favourite characters frozen in unattractive poses, and the worst word in the English language flashes before your eyes: buffering.

“This is bullshit!” I yell to nobody in particular.

If you’re feeling adventurous, you can exit off of that page and search for a site that might be moving at an acceptable pace. Or, if you’re able to drum up some patience, you can simply press pause and walk away from the computer.

Tidy up the house, go out and run some errands, do a little exercise (HA!), accomplish something useful, and let the video finish loading before you sit back down and enjoy your program without interruptions.

For many years my life was buffering. I tried to do what I was supposed to: I went to school, I worked, I moved out, I traveled, I had friends, I had boyfriends, I had fun. But whenever I thought I was doing well, everything would stop. Frozen in some unattractive pose, I would come crashing down.

Anxiety, depression, insomnia, low self-esteem, health problems, heartache, anger… buffering.

A couple of years ago I finally broke. I had been trying for too long and I had been unsuccessful and unhappy. So I put my life on pause. I came home, I swallowed my pride, and I asked for help.

For a long time I felt as if I would never pull myself out of this hole; all I saw was darkness. Then something magical happened. My niece was born. And as I held this beautiful new life in my arms, I found my motivation, I saw the light.

They say that it doesn’t matter how many times you fall down as long as you get back up again. Well for me, I needed to lie down in the mud and really feel the pain before I could get up and brush myself off.

For the moment I am still on pause (with my eyes crossed and my mouth wide open no doubt) but I am working hard to build a life that will make me happy. It has taken a lot of time, it has taken a lot of patience, but I know that someday soon I will be ready to play.


8 thoughts on “pause

  1. So darn beautiful. You write the best gut-retching stuff. Thanks I needed a reminder about “pause”.
    I’m reading this from my 3rd day in the “sick bed”. Everything’s on pause for me at the moment, for sure.


    • Cher! Thank you for that, you are too sweet. I’m sorry to hear that you’re sick, take time for yourself and relax and I hope that you feel better soon. ❤


  2. I’m glad that you asked for help…sometimes we need others to really come alongside us or just a simple gesture to get us to where we need to be. I wish you the best in your journey of success


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