pills or pure


For me, this is a topic sans conclusion. Currently, I am on the medication side of this debate; not necessarily the side I would like to be on.

I have been medicated for bi-polar disorder now for roughly seven months. Before that, my Doctors were trying medication for depression and anxiety on me. Before that, they had tried giving me drugs to help my erratic sleep behaviour. Even earlier than that, I was under treatment for post traumatic stress disorder. For nearly two years now, I have felt like a test subject for the medical field of mental illness; bouncing around from one diagnosis to another. As frustrating and as much as I struggled through experimenting with so many different drugs, it does not compare to when I felt completely alone battling with myself.

Honestly, I prefer the idea of living a drug-free healthy lifestyle. Taking supplements. Eating all-natural organic foods. Exercising regularly. Maintaining a healthy spine and nervous system. And I have certainly tried doing these things while maintaining my medication. Unfortunately, the aforementioned things did not make me feel healthier. I don’t think giving up the drugs is even feasible. It took so long to find the right mocktail for me to finally feel somewhat stable, I would hate to step back into the fight for my sanity.

Taking these meds comes with side effects. I am very uncomfortable in my body with the weight that I have put on. My blood pressure has increased. There is vibration in my hands. My vision blurs in and out sometimes. My eyes are sensitive to light. It can be difficult to concentrate. Plus whatever hormones are in these meds will probably take ten years off of my life. Then again, life un-medicated is a life I had once wanted out of.

So where to go from here? On one side of the fence are my sister and sister-in-law. Two people who I look up to as examples of healthy living. One lives completely drug-free and sees a Chiropractor regularly. The other lives the vegan lifestyle and regularly attends yoga classes. Both are healthier and happier than I could ever dream to be.

Then there’s the other side of the fence. Not necessarily the wrong side, but certainly the compulsory one for now. This is the side that is always throwing pills at me. They are also actively helping to stabilize me. Without the help of my Doctors, I don’t know if I would be in such a state of recovery right now.

In previous posts, I have casually mentioned that I am crazy and I have anxiety and I am a cat lady. This is the first time, however, that I have specifically spoken about my ailments. I am hoping that this can be considered another step in the right direction. It is scary to put yourself out there exactly as you are. But I do so with big hopes that there will be a positive outcome.

Sadly, this post is a little heavy and I have no cheerful ending for you. I can never say how things will turn out. One thing is for sure, I wake up every day and I take life one step at a time. I will keep picking up the pieces, no matter how long it takes, until I am complete. So I guess all I can really say is stay tuned. 🙂

5 thoughts on “pills or pure

  1. I have a close friend on similar meds to treat bi-polar also. She has become a happy out-going person, most of the time. She too struggles with the side-effects of the meds especially the weight gain. Sometimes her close family members try to guilt her about her weight etc. She asks them if they want her to go back to her old life without the meds. A life of sadness, depression and hiding out in her room unable to face the world.

    Life is hard and too short. Meds are a helpful tool. I applaud your courage to address this issue. Thank-you for caring enough to take the help that is available and for being a voice of hope for everyone who suffers silently.


    • Yikes. I feel for your friend. She is lucky to have a friend like you to support her when some of her family is clearly not understanding what she is going through. Sadly, even with medical treatment, bi-polar disorder it is a daily struggle and some people forget that. What a pity that there are people who would try to make her feel guilty for something that is not necessarily within her control.

      Thanks for continuing to be a loyal reader. Please give your friend my regards as well. It’s always good to know that we are not alone in our struggles.


  2. Meds are a tough issue! I think there are times when they are necessary and helpful and times where they are not. In my training to become a psychotherapist I learned a bit about meds (I don’t prescribe meds, however; only doctors and psychiatrists do that). Anyway, the one thing that was clear is that with bipolar disorder meds are important. So, if that’s what you’ve been diagnosed with then the meds are probably doing you more good than harm. Still, the side effects aren’t much fun. I feel for you girl! Celeste 🙂


    • Thanks Celeste, I appreciate the feedback. It’s good to hear that I’m making good choices, even if there are some consequences. If given the choice between mental health vs. physical health, it would be crazy to give up my sanity. Maybe we’ll live long enough to see medical science advance to the point of eliminating side effects. Here’s hoping! 🙂


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