try again

mcmonagle-02-A-fixed-address-Cake-1

I love to bake. Whether I’m working off of a recipe or experimenting with a creation of my own, I love the feeling of making something delicious out of a pile of ingredients. That being said, my favourite thing about baking is that if I make a mistake, I can just throw it away and start over.

In my life I have this horrible habit of making a complete ass of myself. Whether I am awkwardly saying the wrong thing, clumsily stumbling over my own feet, or just being a total dummy, I never cease to amaze myself with the consistency of my ineptitude. What’s worse is that I have hurt people that I cared about for reasons that I can’t even remember.

Just like in baking, I often wish I could start over. To create a new identity and find a new place with new people. To forever leave behind the shambles of my previous life. In especially bad circumstances, I’ve gone as far as daydreaming a new name and backstory. When all else fails, I usually just opt to hide under a rock and avoid all witnesses to my blunders. More than once I’ve been accused of falling off the face of the planet after I’ve gone into hiding.

Guilty as charged, I moved from Canada to Australia in 2011. I felt like I needed a fresh start and it was nice knowing that I could be whoever I wanted to be; although, I decided that a fake name or backstory would be overkill. Oddly enough it didn’t matter that I was on the other side of the world, my problems were patiently waiting for me. When I was confronted with the same issues, I did what I always do – I hid. And after only a year abroad, I ended up right back home. All of this might explain why, at 28, I have the coping abilities of a 6 year old.

What’s interesting is that this protective instinct to hide from the world is clearly only postponing the inevitable. I literally ran as far as one can run without leaving Earth and I still couldn’t escape my problems. So how hard could it be to confront something or someone that arouses a negative reaction? What is the worst that could happen? There is no doubt that feelings of shame, regret, humiliation, and even guilt are extremely unpleasant. Then again, to experience these feelings also means that we are human beings with a healthy conscience. Couldn’t it be said that this is merely an opportunity for me to experience all aspects of the human condition? If the world was always sunsets and flowers, would we ever truly appreciate their beauty?

Obviously getting a fresh start does not exist in the terms that I was hoping – you know, where it’s all easy and no work whatsoever. But maybe, with a little courage and a whole lot of grin and bear it, it is possible to face the people I duck behind counters to avoid. Perhaps if I make it through enough uncomfortable three-minute confrontations, I will have finally learned from my mistakes and will therefore be starting fresh. One thing is for sure, what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working.

So here I am, immersing myself in both the good and bad that my life has to offer. Despite my gaffes and foibles and numerous idiotic antics, I won’t abandon this life. Maybe it’s a messy cake but that doesn’t mean has to be any less delicious! 🙂

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